Why Self-Love Matters
The most significant relationship you'll ever develop isn't with your family, friends, partner, or children—it's with yourself. Many of us neglect this crucial relationship, but it's time for that to change.
Consider the scene from the movie "Laapata Ladies" where Deepak's mother tells Pushpa about a vegetable dish she loved as a child. After marriage, her in-laws disliked it, so she stopped making it. Eventually, she forgot what she even liked anymore. This perfectly illustrates what happens when you nurture every relationship except the one with yourself.
Many of us have witnessed this pattern in our mothers and grandmothers. When asked what makes them happy, they often can't answer because they've never taken time to discover what truly brings them joy. They've prioritized everyone else's needs, resulting in low self-confidence, poor self-esteem, lack of motivation, unclear thinking, and an inability to establish boundaries.
Research consistently shows that developing self-love positively impacts every aspect of your life. It enhances your sense of self, boosts confidence, improves clarity and motivation, and reduces the impact of negative emotions. Those who seem unshakeable in difficult situations typically have strong relationships with themselves and practice genuine self-love.
Let's explore how to build this relationship, even if you've spent your life disliking yourself.
Understanding Your Inner Child
Most core beliefs about ourselves form during childhood. Childhood experiences can create emotional gaps, unmet needs, and negative beliefs that persist into adulthood. For instance, if you lack confidence today, it might be because you were made to feel unworthy as a child.
Psychotherapy offers a method called "re-parenting" to counter these limiting beliefs. It involves taking on the role of nurturer for your inner child, creating a safe space to fulfill needs that went unmet during childhood. Re-parenting fills emotional holes by providing love, comfort, and healing that may have been absent in your early years.
How to Re-Parent Yourself
- Reflect on your experiences: Set aside dedicated time to visualize yourself as a child and recall experiences where you felt neglected, unseen, or hurt.
- Identify unmet needs: Consider what you needed during those difficult moments. For example, if you were scolded for expressing emotions, you likely needed validation. If you were criticized for mistakes, you probably needed reassurance that errors are normal.
- Fulfill those needs now: Once you've identified what was missing, find ways to meet those needs in the present. If you lacked emotional support, practice self-soothing activities and build relationships with people who provide a safe space for emotional expression.
Reconnect With Childhood Joys
Rediscover activities you enjoyed as a child—these represent pure self-love without conditions or goals attached. Children play in mud simply because it's fun, demonstrating natural self-love.
When journaling, identify childhood hobbies. Whether it was art, playing tag, or swinging, these activities can bring the same joy as an adult. This reconnection helps you understand your journey from childhood to adulthood and allows you to do things purely for enjoyment—strengthening your bond with yourself like nothing else.
Building Self-Trust
You cannot develop a relationship with yourself without trust and emotional dependability. The first step is keeping promises to yourself.
Think about someone you love—trust, honesty, and dependability likely come to mind. Many of us struggle to love ourselves because we don't trust ourselves. We've broken too many self-promises, leaving insufficient data points for our brain to consider us reliable.
For instance, if you promise to exercise and eat healthily but immediately break that promise by indulging in unhealthy food, your brain registers that you're untrustworthy. This undermines self-love.
Steps to Build Self-Trust:
- Start small: Make promises you can keep. Don't commit to daily walks if that's unrealistic—begin with a single 20-minute walk and follow through. Gradually build to a point where your mind becomes a safe space.
- Reframe negative self-talk: Challenge the constant criticism in your head. Create affirmations and repeat them each morning. When self-criticism arises, counter it with positive affirmations.
- Normalize mistakes: Especially in achievement-oriented cultures, we face pressure to succeed perfectly. Learn to give yourself grace when you make errors. If no one was harmed, remind yourself it's okay and you can improve next time.
Embodying Lovable Traits
Consider someone you admire, like the late Ratan Tata. People loved him because he helped others without seeking recognition or praise. We admire and love people for their character traits.
If you don't yet love yourself, it may be because you haven't developed traits you find admirable. The secret to self-love is embodying qualities you admire in others. If you value courage, start taking more risks. As you develop these traits, you'll naturally love yourself more.
The next time you admire someone, identify their lovable traits and find ways to incorporate those qualities into your life. This process helps replace negative habits with positive ones, building a better relationship with yourself over time.
Taking Action: A 60-Day Plan
Most people wait for the perfect moment to change, hoping to wake up one day suddenly loving themselves. That's not how it works. If you're already full of negative self-talk and lack confidence, these qualities won't magically appear—you must develop them through action.
For the next 60 days before 2025 arrives, focus on these practices:
- Morning gratitude: List five personal qualities or circumstances you're grateful for daily. This might include your body, metabolism, shelter, food, ability to taste flavors, financial stability, supportive relationships, mental clarity, or capacity to learn and grow.
- Daily self check-ins: Assess your mood on a scale of 1-5 at day's end. List what energized and drained you. This builds self-awareness about your preferences and helps identify patterns and limiting beliefs.
- Acts of kindness toward yourself: Perform one kind act for yourself daily. This could be speaking kindly to yourself, celebrating achievements, or giving yourself small treats.
- Self-care days: Designate one day weekly for physical and emotional self-care. Use this time to journal, assess feelings, pamper yourself, and engage in fulfilling activities. Start with one day and increase gradually.
- Practice affirmations: Challenge negative self-talk with daily affirmations. Say them aloud each morning while looking in the mirror. It might feel awkward at first but will eventually boost your mood.
- Voice your opinions: When something bothers you, express it. Start with minor issues and work toward addressing larger concerns, including disagreeing with authority figures when appropriate.
- Celebrate achievements: Reward yourself for reaching milestones, including those from this self-love journey. After completing the 60-day gratitude practice, treat yourself to a nice dinner or shopping trip.
Decluttering Negative Influences
Our relationships with ourselves are affected by our environment. Living in toxic surroundings makes self-love difficult as negativity consumes our attention.
Steps to Declutter Negative Influences:
- Identify negative relationships: Recognize toxic friends, colleagues, and family members. Journaling helps identify energy-draining people in your life.
- Set boundaries: Begin saying "no" to people—even if it makes them uncomfortable. Start small and gradually expand your comfort zone. Remember that we teach people how to treat us through consistent behavior.
- Clean up social media: Unfollow accounts that diminish your self-worth and follow those that nurture positive internal dialogue. Even with positive content, limit social media time as information overload can be chaotic for the brain.
- Reevaluate your physical environment: Remove items that trigger negative memories. Create a dedicated space for self-care activities like journaling or meditation. These places develop positive energy over time.
Your 60-Day Homework
- Practice gratitude daily
- Recite affirmations every morning
- Perform daily self check-ins
- Complete one act of kindness toward yourself each day
- Schedule a weekly self-care day
Just as we nurture relationships with others, we must cultivate our relationship with ourselves to live fulfilling lives. We are the only constant companions throughout our lives, so take care of your mind, body, and soul while you can.
Which of these practices resonates most with you? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
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